Sunday, June 7, 2009

Depression Meds

A month ago, 15th May, i was put on medication for depression and OCD. Im taking Prodep( Fluoxetine). I must say it was a difficult decision for me to make. I really was totally opposed to taking anti depressants, but i had no choice. with the way i was feeling i thought for sure i was heading for death or a break down at best.

I think April and May were horrible months for me. i can never explain depression and why at times it gets so bad, and then lifts slightly sometimes, before returning with a vengeance. Around the time i decided to visit the psychiatrist, i was totally losing it. i had severe fatigue, memory loss, poor concentration, suicidal thoughts all the time, constant dark sadness. i hate depression. it can plummet you to depths that can just kill you. In those moments, you feel nothing is worth living for. for me, death seemed the only way out of the torture i felt inside. I was reduced to begging God to kill me and living in constant internal pain.

Depression is a monster. When you are in the pits of it nothing matters. In those dark moments i feel that my daughter would be better off if i wasnt there. I feel convinced that nobody loves me, not even her, and that they'd all be better off with me gone.

Well, i am feeling a little better now, but i dont know if its the medication's doing or if im just feeling a little better like i sometimes do before depression comes back with double vengeance. What i do know is that the medication is making me very sleepy. i am yawning all day long, and i dont like it.

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